


All I Had

by lilly_the_kid



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Cowboys, Drunk Sex, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Extremely Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Power Imbalance, Sad, Sharing a Bed, Unhealthy Relationships, Western
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25087954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilly_the_kid/pseuds/lilly_the_kid
Summary: Part of him wanted Dutch to just drop it. But part of him wanted Dutch to care. He wanted him to worry, to ask how he was.Dutch and Arthur's relationship from Beaver Hollow to Blackwater. Like watching a train wreck in reverse.
Relationships: Arthur Morgan/Dutch van der Linde
Comments: 20
Kudos: 102





	1. Beaver Hollow

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing for this fandom.
> 
> There is extremely dubious consent in chapter 1. I warned for rape/non-con to be sure.

Arthur was exhausted. He'd been riding for days, barely being able to stop and rest with the Pinkertons lurking around every corner. The last few miles to Beaver Hollow he'd travelled off the path, hoping to avoid the Murfree Brood. He hadn't been entirely successfull. But he'd gotten away. Now all he wanted to do was sleep.

"Who's there?"

"It's Arthur."

"Look who finally got here. Dutch wants to talk to you."

Arthur sighed. "What does he want?"

Bill shrugged. "I'm sure he'll tell you." He looked at Arthur for a moment. Then he shook his head and went back to his post.

Arthur took care of his horse and went towards Dutch's tent. All the flaps were down. They had been down a lot lately and it made him uneasy. He stopped for a moment. He remembered when having an opportunity to be alone with Dutch was something he looked forward to. Something he savored because it happened so rarely.

He ran his hand through his hair. Lately it had happened even less. Ever since Micah joined them. All those months since then he'd felt like everything he knew and trusted was slowly slipping away from him.

A cough ripped him out of his thoughts. He tried to fight it down, didn't want Dutch to hear. It felt like an eternity, but he managed to get his breathing under control. God, he just wanted to sleep.

He wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve and continued walking to Dutch's tent.

"Dutch?" He paused. Not long ago he would have just walked in without thinking twice about it. Now it felt wrong somehow.

"Come in."

Arthur entered the tent. Dutch was sitting on a chair, a book in his hands.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, come in." Dutch closed the book and put it down. He pointed to his cot. "Sit down."

Arthur hesitated for a moment. Dutch noticed and he narrowed his eyes.

This is off to a great start, Arthur thought. He walked over to the cot and sat down.

"So, what is this about?"

For a while Dutch said nothing. Arthur sighed inwardly. This was a thing he did. Letting other people wait. Letting them get more and more lost in their own heads. He'd used to enjoy this back when he had never been on the receiving end of it. And even though he knew what was going on it was still working. And that was the most unnerving part of it.

"I need to know that I can still trust you."

"Of course, you can." Arthur looked at Dutch. "You know that."

"Do I?" Dutch smiled. But there was no humor in it. "You're off on your own a lot. You don't tell anyone where you've been."

"Nobody asks me what I do or where I go." Arthur hated how that sounded. He'd meant it as a simple statement, saying that he had no secrets, that he had nothing to hide. But it just sounded sad. He could tell from the way Dutch looked at him that he heard it too. There wasn't much that got past Dutch. He might not be the way he used to be, but he was still smart. And dangerous.

"Well, if they did, would you tell them?"

"Sure."

"Because you got nothing to hide."

Arthur fought hard not to roll his eyes. "Of course I have nothing to hide. Where is this coming from? What gives you the impression that I'm working against you? That I wouldn't have your back?"

"I have my reasons, son. We're surrounded by enemies. We've taken some hits, had to mourn many good people." Dutch looked at the book he had put down. It was one of Hosea's. Then he looked back at Arthur. "I have to make sure the rest of us will be ok. You understand that, don't you?"

Arthur sighed. "I guess I do." He didn't, though. He understood the sentiment, but he sure as hell didn't understand Dutch's method, let alone his reasoning.

Dutch nodded. He seemed to have come to a conclusion. He got up.

"I guess everything is fine then." He walked over and sat down next to Arthur. He took off Arthur's hat and ran his hand through his hair.

Arthur shivered at the touch. It's been a long time since anyone had touched him. And he used to love it when Dutch touched him. Despite everything he still loved it. And that scared him. It scared him, because he'd realized that he wasn't entirely sure anymore if he could trust Dutch. Too much had happened. Too many things had gone wrong. Too many people had died.

There'd been many times when he'd come back to camp to find Dutch talking and plotting with Micah, sparing Arthur nothing more than a glance. There'd been many instances when Dutch had brushed away Arthur's concerns, calling him negative and not bothering listening to him.

Dutch's other hand came to rest on his thigh. Arthur couldn't help but flinch. He knew where this was heading and part of him wanted it. It had been so long and he'd missed Dutch. But part of him knew that this wasn't real. This wasn't what they used to have. This was Dutch wanting to prove his point and get his way.

"Dutch, listen," Arthur started. He stopped when he felt the hand in his hair tightening its grip. Just a little, not enough to hurt.

"Yes?" Dutch looked at him, waiting for him to go on. Arthur looked down. He didn't know what to say. He'd meant to say that he was tired which would have been the truth. He'd meant to say that he didn't want this which would have been the truth, but it would have also been a lie. He was exhausted. "Nothing," he said.

Dutch smiled and Arthur thought he looked relieved.

After that it seemed as though this was happening to someone else. Arthur was aware of them taking their clothes off. Dutch did most of it. He was aware of being pushed onto his stomach, of the familiar sensation of having sex with Dutch. But he felt mostly trapped in his head, watching from a distance.

Dutch's hand had gripped his hair again, shoving his head into the pillow. It made it harder and harder to breathe. Arthur felt another cough coming up and he tried to suppress it, but it got worse. He fought so hard to keep it down that tears ran down his face. He was so preoccupied with trying to breathe that he barely noticed Dutch speeding up and finally coming. He pulled out and removed his hand from Arthur's head.

Once the pressure on his head eased Arthur took a deep breath and managed to still fight down the cough. He turned his head to the side and tried to get his bearings.

"Did I hurt you?"

Arthur opened his eyes. Dutch was looking at him, obviously seeing the tears.

Arthur sat up slowly and winced. He was sore, but it wasn't too bad. He wiped his face.

"No, it's fine," he said. Part of him wanted Dutch to just drop it. But part of him wanted Dutch to care. He wanted him to worry, to ask how he was.

"Ok then," was all Dutch said after a while.

They got dressed in silence. Arthur struggled, the smallest movement was exhausting. After he'd put his boots on he stayed seated for a bit, trying to catch his breath.

Dutch was looking at him, not saying a word. Arthur was reminded of that time in the swamps with the giant alligator after him. _At least pretend that you care!_ he had yelled at Dutch. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to yell it at him again.

He sighed and looked down at his hands. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't change anything. It was too much effort, too much energy spent on an endavour that was doomed to fail.

"Alright then," he said and looked at Dutch again. He couldn't read him. Couldn't understand him like he used to. Maybe he never had. Arthur got up. "Good night."

"Good night."

Arthur walked slowly towards his wagon. Every step hurt, but he hardly noticed. He was just so tired. Another cough shook him. He didn't care who heard it.

\------------


	2. Lakay

Arthur almost collapsed over the gatlin gun. He picked himself up and joined the others.

Such a mess, he thought. First the bank with Hosea and Lenny dying. The mere thought of Hosea dead in the street threatened to bring tears to his eyes. He didn't even have time to grieve. It just had been one catastrophy after another. He still couldn't believe they'd made it off that damn island. And that they'd managed to find eacht other again.

Arthur's eyes wandered towards Dutch. Dutch who made it back. Dutch who seemed at a loss. That was something he'd never experienced before and it scared the hell out of him. But what scared him even more was the memory of Dutch killing that old woman. Back then for one moment Arthur was sure that he'd be next. That Dutch had completely gone insane and that it all would be over. 

But it wasn't and here they were. Carrying on like they'd always done. He honestly didn't know if this was good thing or not. 

Arthur looked at Dutch leaving, Micah right behind him. He felt disappointed. He hadn't been aware of it, but now he realized that he'd expected Dutch to greet him properly. To ask him how he'd made it and to tell him how he himself had gotten back. Like they would have done in the old days. But those old days seemed to be solely a thing of the past now. Just like Hosea. And Lenny. And Sean. And all the others. 

Arthur sighed and walked inside. He needed to get some sleep.

The coughing that had started back in Guarma still hadn't stopped and now that he had time to actually think about it, it started to worry him. He'd also lost a lot of weight and yet he wasn't really hungry. He still forced himself to eat something. Then he lay down on the blankets in the corner and was asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.

Arthur startled awake. He immediately went for his gun. 

"Shhh, it's ok. It's just me."

Arthur blinked. It was dark now. Everyone else in the room was asleep. 

"Dutch?"

"Yes. Sorry, I woke you up. Couldn't sleep."

Arthur realized that Dutch was sitting next to him on the blankets.

"It's fine," Arthur said after a while. He sat up. "You ok?"

He could barely see a thing and it unnerved him that he couldn't read Dutch's expression. 

There was a long pause and just when Arthur thought he wouldn't get an answer Dutch finally spoke.

"I honestly don't know."

Arthur didn't know what to say to that. This was wrong and not how things were supposed to be. If Dutch didn't know then what were they even doing here? If Dutch didn't have a plan then they'd all followed some mad man deeper and deeper into a dead end. He didn't know whether to be scared or angry. Neither seemed as though it would do any good.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Another pause.

"Not really." A hand touched Arthur's shoulder and pushed slightly. "Just go back to sleep. I need to do some thinking."

"Ok."

Arthur moved to lie back down. He turned on his side, facing away from Dutch. He didn't think he could ever fall sleep again, but soon his exhaustion took over. He was almost asleep when he felt Dutch's hand in his hair. 

Arthur almost flinched. Normally he'd enjoy this and welcome it as a nice way to go to sleep. Especially since moments like these were few and far between. But for a moment he was seeing the old woman again. And Dutch choking the life out of her. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt sick. He considered getting up and leaving. But where would he go? And what would Dutch do? 

Arthur forced himself to be still. He tried to focus on the sounds around him. The soft snoring, the rustling of blankets when somebody turned around. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't alone. And that there were people here who needed him. He couldn't just up and leave. What would happen to them?

Most importantly though, he knew that he didn't want to leave Dutch. Despite everything he needed him and he wanted him to be close. He wanted Dutch to care for him like he knew he did during all those years. Even though he'd found it hard to remember that lately.

After what seemed like an eternity Arthur drifted off to sleep, still feeling Dutch's hand in his hair and on his neck.

\-----------

When Arthur awoke the next morning Dutch was gone. He wasn't surprised by that. Dutch wouldn't want the others to see them together and neither did Arthur. What they had was private and noone knew about it. Best to keep it that way.

He got up and went outside. He really hated the swamps. Good thing they'd be leaving soon. 

Dutch was outside, the others had gathered around him. Dutch was telling them about his plan and how everything would be alright. 

And just like that Arthur felt sick to his stomach again. He really wanted to believe this and he was angry at Dutch for taking that from him by confiding that he didn't know what he was doing. Micah was looking up at Dutch, hanging on his every word. Arthur couldn't quite believe that Micah actually bought this. As big an asshole as Micah was, he wasn't a complete idiot. Everything about this seemed wrong.

Arthur looked around and caught Sadie's eyes. She looked at him with a sad smile on her face, barely noticable. He nodded at her, not feeling completely alone for a moment.

When he finished his speech Dutch walked towards him, smiling.

"Good morning, Arthur. It's good to be back, isn't it?"

"It sure is."

"Finally everything's back on track. Time to take what's ours."

Arthur nodded. Micah was standing behind Dutch, looking bored and annoyed. Dutch grabbed Arthur's shoulder and shook it slightly.

"You'll see, son. Things are looking up." He walked over to his horse and mounted up, Micah followed him. 

Arthur's eyes followed them and he kept looking long after they'd disappeared down the road.

\-----------


	3. Shady Belle

Arthur was sitting at the camp fire. Everybody was celebrating and singing after they brought Jack back. 

His eyes wandered around. It was nice to see everyone in a good mood for a change. He was relieved that everything had worked out. Though he wasn't thrilled about Dutch meeting a man like Bronte. Nothing good could come of that. 

Arthur shook his head, he didn't want to think about this now. He needed more beer. He got up and walked over to the case, carefully. He was more drunk than he'd thought. He still took two more bottles.

When he got back he sat down near the wall of the house, a bit more remote from the laughter and the singing. He was halfway done with the second beer when Dutch sat down next to him.

"How you doing, Arthur?"

"Fine, just fine." And it wasn't even a lie. Beer was great that way.

"I'm glad to hear that." Arthur was aware of how close Dutch was sitting. Their shoulders and thighs were almost touching. 

"You did good, today," Dutch continued. "Both of you."

"We were lucky that things turned out the way they did."

"Don't say that. We know how to handle tough situations and that's what we did. All of us."

Arthur sighed. He knew it was futile to argue with Dutch on this. For one it wouldn't change his mind. He also might get angry. And that was something Arthur really wanted to avoid tonight. He needed some time to just relax and not worry and if shutting up would get him that, then that's what he would do.

So he just nodded. "Of course."

Dutch looked at him, raising an eyebrow. He knew what was happening. After all he'd known Arthur for over 20 years. But he didn't seem to mind. 

"Glad that you agree," he said, a small smile on his face.

They sat for a while in comfortable silence. Which was a rare thing with Dutch, but Arthur wasn't in the mood to question it. He finished his beer and was thinking about getting another one when he felt Dutch's hand on his thigh.

His first intinct was to shove it away, but when he looked around he saw that nobody paid any attention to them. Some had already gone to sleep and others were sitting in small groups, chatting and drinking.

So Arthur covered Dutch's hand with his own. Dutch smiled. 

"Let's go upstairs."

They got up and Arthur almost fell over. Those last two beers really did a number on him. Dutch caught him and laughed.

"I'm afraid I can't carry you up the stairs." He put Arthur's arm over his shoulder though and maneuvered them through the front door.

On their way to the stairs they passed Molly who sat in the corner with a bottle of whiskey in her hand. Dutch didn't even look at her, but Arthur caught her eyes and he felt sick. Molly's expression didn't change. She lifted the bottle and took another swig. Then she looked away.

Dutch struggled to get Arthur up the stairs. They almost tumbled down once and because of all the booze it seemed like the funniest thing in the world. Plus it was easier to focus on this than on the thought of Molly sitting downstairs. 

They made their way into Dutch's room and Dutch dropped Arthur on the bed.

"You got something to drink up here?"

"You really think you need more?" 

Arthur just groaned and sat up.

"Yes or no?"

Dutch hesitated for a moment. He didn't look pleased, but he handed Arthur a bottle of whiskey anyway.

"Don't you dare and pass out," he said while bending down to take Arthur's boots off.

Arthur took a few swigs and felt better immediately, able to push unwelcomed thoughts far away. He also barely noticed what Dutch was doing, but that was a price he was willing to pay. Even though he was looking forward to this. He'd missed Dutch. They hadn't done this since Clemens Point... Arthur took another big swig. No way was he thinking about that now.

"Ok, ok, that's enough," Dutch said. He grabbed the bottle and put it on the nightstand. "I wanna have some fun and not just a drunken passed out cowboy taking up all the room in my bed."

He got on the bed and straddled Arthur, pinning his hands above his head. Arthur blinked. He didn't really like it when Dutch did things like this. Dutch bent down to kiss him and Arthur kissed back. He didn't hate it either.

Arthur was relieved to find that this still worked. He'd been worried that him and Dutch were over for good. That they could never go back. His thoughts got more jumbled once the last of the whiskey really hit. He was completely lost in all the sensations, in Dutch really. It seemed as though another moment passed and they were naked. 

He got dizzy when Dutch turned him over on his stomach. He felt nauseous for a bit and closed his eyes.

"You ok?"

"Just give me a second," he said, concentrating on his breathing. He felt Dutch stroking his back in soothing circles. At last the room stopped spinning.

"Alright," he said. 

The dizziness was gone, but everyting was still happening in a daze. He was aware of Dutch opening him up a bit and then entering him. He was aware of the pain at first. And then the pain turned into pleasure, for the most part. But most of all it felt familiar. It felt right.

There weren't a lot of constants in Arthur's life, but Dutch was one of them. Even though things had been rough and difficult lately it felt good to remember what it felt like when things made sense. When things were the way you expected them to be, the way they used to be. 

Through the daze he felt Dutch pulling him up a bit and touching him. He felt Dutch moving and his breath on his neck and it wasn't long before he came. Dutch followed soon after. They were catching their breath and he felt Dutch pulling out and coming to lie next to him. 

Fot the first time in a long time Arthur didn't have any trouble falling asleep.

\-----------

Arthur woke up with a splitting headache. He opened his eyes, groaned and closed them again. Too much light.

He sat up slowly and opened his eyes again. He frowned. His surroundings looked familiar, but not really. Then he realized that he was in Shady Belle, but not in his room. He was in Dutch's room. Suddenly the events of the past night came flooding back. Most of them at least. 

He remembered getting drunk and going upstairs with Dutch. He remembered Molly. He shoved that thought away. And he remembered the rest. He looked down and saw that he was still naked. He was also alone. Judging by the light it was probably around noon.

Arthur got up and got dressed. He was wondering where Dutch had gone, but decided he needed coffee first. When he came down the stairs Molly was nowhere to be seen. Arthur frowned, he wasn't sure if he was relieved or worried.

Outside he got himself a cup of coffee and looked around for Dutch. When he didn't see him he walked towards the fountain where Hosea was sitting.

"Morning."

"Morning, Arthur." Hosea smiled at him. "How are you doing? Long night?"

Arthur shrugged and sat down carefully. He took a few sips of his coffee. One good thing about Hosea was that you could sit with him in silence. After a few minutes Arthur started to feel a bit better.

"You seen Dutch?"

"I think he went out with Micah. Something about a job." 

Arthur felt his stomach drop. He cursed himself inwardly. It wasn't like he'd expected anything special or, if he was honest, anything at all. But Dutch being off to look into a new job without him still felt like a slap in his face. 

"Oh really," he grunted in reply. 

"Yeah," Hodea shrugged. "I told him I think we should focus on that bank, but you know how he gets."

Arthur sighed. "I know. Believe me, I know."

\-----------


	4. Clemens Point

Arthur was sitting by the lake near the camp. He'd found a nice secluded spot among some trees that wasn't easily visible. He needed some time to think.

Ever since he'd escaped from the O'Driscolls he couldn't bear to be around people for long. His wounds had mostly healed, though his shoulder was still bothering him. Earlier he'd been hunting with Charles and now he had trouble moving his left arm. He still didn't regret the hunting trip. Charles was one of the few people he still enjoyed being around. There were no games or sideway glares, no plotting or scheming. Charles said what he wanted to say and listened to what Arthur had to say and he didn't demand anything.

When they'd gotten back Arthur had gone to his spot by the lake to do a bit of fishing. He soon realized though, that his shoulder wouldn't let him. So he'd just sat down in the shade with his journal. The page in front of him was still blank. It was getting late, but he didn't want to go back. Part of him was still angry that noone had come looking for him and now hearing their questions and concerns about his wellbeing were almost too much to handle.

Arthur didn't doubt the sincerity of most of them. But some were obvious lies and he was tired of listening to them. He sighed. He still would have to go back soon. Not like he could just leave.

He noticed footsteps and his hand went for his gun. Noone had ever disturbed him here. He'd hoped nooone knew about this place. The steps came closer and he saw Dutch walking through the brush and coming towards him.

"Here you are. I've been looking for you." Dutch stopped. "You think you could put that gun down?"

"Sure." Arthur put his gun back in his holster. 

Dutch looked at him for a moment, then he sat down next to him. 

"Nice spot you have here."

"Thanks."

They sat in silence and it drove Arthur mad. Before the whole O'Driscoll mess, he'd actually considered showing this spot to Dutch. Maybe have some alone time here together like they used to. Now he was cursing himself for not leaving and going back to camp sooner. There he would have to deal with Dutch as well, but at least there'd be other people around and he wouldn't have to worry about things getting too personal. Because if he was being honest with himself, he was mostly mad at Dutch. Mad and disappointed. And he didn't know what to do about it.

"You know, Arthur. I'm so glad you got back save. I don't know what I would have done otherwise."

Arthur was ripped out of this thoughts and his head whipped around. He looked at Dutch, expecting to see Dutch's calculating eyes assessing if whatever he was doing was succeeding. But Dutch wasn't looking at him. He was looking at the lake. He seemed sincere. And Arthur wanted to immediately pull him close and he hated himself for that.

He turned his head and looked at the lake as well. He wanted to ask why he hadn't come for him. Why they didn't even look for him when he hadn't been at the fork in the road. But part of him was afraid of what Dutch might say. 

Arthur felt Dutch getting closer and he wanted to shove him away. To let him know that nothing was ok. But he couldn't get himself to do it.

Dutch was taking off Arthur's hat and his gunbelt. He cupped his face. He kissed him and Arthur let him. Dutch moved to straddle him and Arthur let him. Dutch pushed him down and Arthur let him. Dutch started placing kisses down Arthur's neck and began opening his shirt. 

"You would have come for me, right?" Arthur said softly. Dutch sat up and looked at him. He bent down to kiss him again, but Arthur turned his head away. 

"You would have come for me, right?" He asked again, louder this time.

"Oh, of course! You know I would have. We just needed a bit more time."

Arthur felt white-hot rage. He pushed at Dutch's chest.

"Get off me!" 

"What?" Dutch looked baffled. 

"I said, get off me!" Arthur yelled. He pushed at Dutch again, but his shoulder hurt and he didn't have the strength to move Dutch even one inch. He still tried again, but this time Dutch caught his wrists.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Arthur's heart was pounding. He needed to get away now.

"I'm done listening to your bullshit! You were never gonna come for me. You didn't even know they got me. I wasn't at the fork in the road and you didn't even wonder why!" Arthur was squirming, but Dutch held him in place easily.

"Micah said-"

"I don't give shit what that asshole said. I said 'we meet at the fork in the road' and that should have been enough. You always listen to that bastard, but never to me anymore."

"Stop whining." Dutch's expression was blank and impossible to read. His grip on Arthur's wrists tightened and it hurt. Arthur tried to buck him off, but Dutch kept him in place. 

"Let me go!" Dutch didn't move. With a sick feeling in his stomach Arthur realized that he'd never asked Dutch to stop before. He'd never felt the need to do so. And in the past he would have been able to handle Dutch in a fight. Now he was pinned and helpless. And Dutch knew it. What if he didn't stop? He felt his mind racing, he couldn't panic right now.

Arthur took a deep breath and forced himself to stop struggling. Dutch's grip on his wrists was still tight. Arthur looked at Dutch.

"If you still wanna do this, you'll have to force me." He kept looking at Dutch as he continued. "And if you do, you better kill me afterwards. Cause I won't forgive you."

Dutch stared at him. Arthur found it was impossible to read his expression. He looked angry, but also shocked. And maybe afraid? Or sad? Arthur couldn't pinpoint it. 

It felt like an eternity before Dutch spoke.

"I would never do that." He was still holding Arthur down, though. And he was still hard. Arthur felt sick.

"Prove it," he said while his heart was beating out of his chest.

Another long moment passed. Finally Dutch let go of Arthur's wrists. Slowly he got up. He looked down at Arthur.

Arthur stayed on the ground. He didn't know what to do. He waited. He didn't know for what. For Dutch to apologize? For Dutch to beat him up? For Dutch to kill him? It all seemed possible and Arthur realized just how little he actually knew about what was going on in Dutch's head. He thought he knew at some point. But now he didn't know anything anymore.

At last Dutch turned around and left.

Arthur sat up slowly and grabbed his gun. He realized he was crying and wiped at his face. He stayed sitting at the lake until late into the night. His shoulder hurt like hell and he was sure his wrists would be bruised in a few hours.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't just go back to camp. But he couldn't just leave either. Part of him wished he'd just let Dutch do whatever he wanted. That he'd just gotten it over with. After all it wasn't the first time they'd done it. And it wasn't the first time Arthur had been angry at Dutch. But for some reason he just couldn't get over Dutch lying to his face like that. Not after what he'd been through. And he still didn't know why they didn't look for him.

He was also worried that Dutch would hate him now. And that things would be over between them now, which was fucked up. He knew that it was fucked up. He should be glad if it was over, because it was obviously not working, but still. Even though things had been messed up lately, he couldn't just forget everything that came before.

\-----------

It was early morning when Arthur finally went back to camp. His heart was racing and he didn't know what to expect. Part of him thought he might be shot on sight.

"Hello Arthur." Charles nodded at him and then looked back at the arrows he was working on.

"Hi, Charles." 

Arthur exhaled. So far so good. It was early, so there weren't many people up yet. 

"Good morning, Arthur," Hosea walked up to him. "Where have you been? Dutch was looking for you, but said he didn't find you."

Arthur felt relieved. 

"Oh, I was fishing at this one spot. It's pretty secluded."

"I see, you gotta take me there some time."

"Sure thing."

Hosea walked over to Pearson's wagon to get himself some coffee.

Arthur went towards his wagon. He almost stopped when he saw Dutch sitting in front of his tent with a book. He kept walking, trying to look calm.

"Morning, Dutch," he said.

"Good morning." Dutch was looking at his book, gripping it tightly. "I went looking for you earlier, but couldn't find you."

"I was fishing."

"I see." He looked up at Arthur. "Everything alright?"

Arthur looked at him for a moment. Dutch looked like he hadn't slept all night. There were dark circles under his eyes and he seemed anxious. Arthur knew that this was as much of an apology as he was ever gonna get.

"Sure. Everything's fine."

Dutch smiled. He looked relieved. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something else, but Arthur cut him off.

"Gonna get some sleep now. Long night." 

He went straight to his wagon, not waiting for an answer.

\------------


	5. Horseshoe Overlook

Arthur was walking through their new camp. He looked around and liked what he saw. People seemed to be in a better mood and he himself was relieved to be out of that snow. He wasn't thrilled that they'd moved closer to civilization, but for now it still seemed like the best solution.

It was evening and the sun was setting. Truly a beautiful sight. At the edge of the camp on the cliff he saw Dutch and started walking towards him.

Dutch was sitting overlooking the valley below , a book on his lap. He wasn't reading though, he was watching the sun set. Arthur walked up next to him and sat down.

"Nice place we got here."

Dutch flinched a bit, he'd been deep in thought, not noticing Arthur approaching. He turned his head and smiled.

"Truly. We really made it, Arthur." He bent over to the side and handed Arthur a bottle of Brandy. "To our new home."

"To our new home." Arthur took a swig and handed the bottle back. Dutch drank as well. They sat watching the sunset while passing the bottle back and forth. Arthur was relieved to find that Dutch was in a good mood. And in a mood for his company. During the aftermath of Blackwater Dutch had been on edge and closed off most of the time. Understandly so, but it had still be unnerving. Everytime Dutch was acting like that Arthur couldn't help but feel that it was all his fault. But this here was good, he needed this.

It had gotten dark by the time the bottle was empty. Arthur felt relaxed. He enjoyed being buzzed and not on the move for a change. He leaned a bit into Dutch. Dutch moved away from him and Arthur felt ashamed for a moment. He'd clearly misunderstood the situation. 

But then he realized that Dutch was only looking around to see if anyone was watching. Satisfied that they were alone he turned back towards Arthur and kissed him. Arthur kissed back, his hand settling on Dutch's waist. Dutch hand went to the back of Arthur's neck, playing with the hair that had gotten a bit long over the last few weeks.

They kissed for a while and Arthur moved to get closer when they heard Bill laughing and the sound of some bottles breaking. They broke apart and looked towards the camp.

"Godamnit, you idiot!" Javier was yelling.

"Who you calling an idiot, you ass?"

More laughter and the sound of a case full of bottles getting moved. 

"Get those over to the fire. Time to celebrate!" 

More voices joined in.

Dutch looked at Arthur. 

"I guess we better join them. Don't want someone come looking for us."

"I guess," Arthur sighed. "Though that's not the celebration I was looking for." He smirked.

Dutch smiled. "I bet," he said as he got up. "Listen, I have some business tomorrow in Valentine. Why don't you come by the saloon in the evening. I'll get us a room."

"Sure," Arthur nodded. He was surprised. Dutch must be in a better mood than he'd thought. They rarely made plans. Usually things just happened when they happened. If they happened. They'd rarely spent any time together since Molly. And Arthur really didn't want to think about that. 

"Great!" Dutch grabbed his book. "I'll go join the party. See you there." 

"Ok."

Arthur watched Dutch walk away. 

\-----------

Arthur's ears were ringing and it was hard to breathe. His face was being pushed deeper and deeper into the mud. He managed to break free and gain the upper hand. Then he started punching the man underneath him again and again. He didn't really notice the crowd that had gathered, he hardly realized where he was. His heart was pounding and he was panicking and he just kept punching.

"Stop, please! You're gonna kill him."

Arthur looked up into the wide eyes of a man pleading at him. He looked back down at the man beneath him. He felt sick. What had he done?

Arthur got up. His legs felt unsteady.

"What business is it of yours?" He growled at the man who had stopped him, but it was just for show. He was slowly becoming aware of his surroundings. Nearly all of Valantine was staring at him. Shit! So much for low profile.

He slowly walked away. Everything hurt, but it was still somehow muted.

"Arthur!"

He turned around and saw Dutch walking towards him. Trelawny was standing behind him. So that was the business Dutch had in town.

Arthur sat down on some steps and waited for them. Charles, Javier and Bill came as well. Arthur only half followed the conversation. His head was pounding which made sense. But he was still somehow panicking and he didn't understand that at all. The fight was over. And it had just been a fight, not his first and surely not his last. 

The others dispersed and he and Dutch were alone. Dutch looked worried. 

"You ok?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Get yourself cleaned up. Then meet me over at the hotel. Room 3." 

"Alright." 

Arthur watched Dutch go over to the hotel. He kept sitting for a bit, catching his breath. Then he slowly got up.

\-----------

Arthur knocked on the door of room 3. He'd taken a bath and tried to get the mud out of his clothes, but hadn't been entirely successful. It would have to do.

"Come in." He entered the room and closed the door behind him.

"You look better," Dutch said. He was sitting on the bed. His coat and vest on the chair next to it. "You ok?"

Arthur nodded.

"Let me look at you." Dutch patted the spot next to him. Arthur walked over and sat down. He winced. Dutch frowned. He took off Arthur's hat and brushed his hair out of his face. There was small cut above his right eyebrow. And one eye was turning black.

"Alright, let's see," Dutch said and started to take Arthur's shirt off. Arthur flinched and moved away from him. Suddenly in a panic. 

"Whoa, what's wrong?" Dutch raised his hands and backed off a little. He looked worried.

"I don't know." Arthur was confused. He wasn't sure why he'd done that. He only knew that his heart had started pounding again and that it felt as though the room was closing in on him.

"What exactly happened? I thought it was just some bar fight. But you almost killed that guy. And you don't seem like yourself."

"I'm not sure. There was a brawl and then that big fella beat up Javier and I went to help him." Arthur scratched the back of his neck and shrugged. "He threw me through a window and we fought- " He stopped. His breath hitched.

"What?" Dutch leaned forward.

"He called me pretty boy," Arthur mumbled, almost too soft to hear. He looked down at his hands, seeing the bloody knuckles. Just two seemingly harmless words and yet he almost killed a guy because of them.

Dutch's eyes widened and he nodded grimly. 

"I see," he said. After a moment of silence he continued. "You know, it's ok, right? That was a long time ago and it's over."

"I know, I guess," Arthur took a deep breath. "But in a way I don't." He shrugged again.

\---

It had happened years ago, Arthur had been 20 then. 

"That's the guy, over there," Dutch nudged Arthur and nodded towards the bar. "He knows about the stagecoaches and their schedules. Find out if there's anything of value coming through here."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Arthur looked warily at the big man. He was easily a head taller than Arthur and a lot broader.

"Be charming." Dutch chuckled. "I know you can be when you want to. Buy him a few drinks and see if he talks."

"I don't like this."

"You don't have to like it. You just have to do it." Dutch's tone wasn't playful anymore and it didn't leave any room for debate. "Get to work."

It turned out Harry was easy to talk to and he was the one who ended up buying the drinks. Arthur was suspicious at first, but this wasn't his first con and there were people who were good company and just liked to have fun. So, he pushed his doubts away and did what Dutch wanted. 

"Hey, Arthur," there was a hand waving in front of his face. Arthur looked up and frowned.

"What?"

Harry laughed. "Man, you're drunker than I thought. I was asking, if you want another whiskey, but I guess you don't need one."

Arthur shook his head and immediately stopped when the room was starting to spin. He caught himself at the bar before he could fall down.

"Hey, careful there." Harry grabbed his arm. He smiled at Arthur, but his grip was strong, strong enough that it might bruise. Arthur tried to pull his arm free, but couldn't manage it.

"Let's get you some fresh air," Harry didn't wait for Arthur to respond but just dragged him out of the saloon. Arthur was searching for Dutch in the crowd, but couldn't see him. The room started spinning again.

Once they were outside Harry didn't stop. He kept pulling on Arthur's arm and when Arthur didn't move fast enough for his liking he grabbed him with both hands and pushed him into a nearby alley.

Arthur's back hit the wall and his head hurt. He blinked, trying to make out where he was.

"What are you doing?" 

"Cutting to the chase," Harry said as he held Arthur by the shoulders and kissed him. 

For a moment Arthur froze. He had no idea how things had gone this wrong this quickly. He turned his head to the side and pushed at Harry's chest.

"What the fuck? Get off me!" 

"Don't act like a blushing virgin. I know what you were doing. You were looking to turn a trick. Well, now it's time to earn your money." He pushed his knee between Arthur's legs so hard it hurt.

"I'm not a fucking whore, you bastard!" Arthur headbutted Harry. Normally this would have done the trick. But the alcohol made him uncoordinated and the attack sloppy. The bigger man only backed down a bit, mostly from surprise. He wiped at his face, his hand coming back bloody from the small cut on is lip. His eyes turned cold.

"You're gonna wish you hadn't done that," he growled as he grabbed Arthur and spun him around. Then he grabbed Arthur's hair and smashed his face against the wall. Again and again.

Arthur almost blacked out. His ears were ringing and he felt blood running down his face. He almost collapsed but was held up by Harry.

"You didn't wanna do it the easy way, pretty boy. So now I gotta teach you a lesson." 

Arthur felt Harry's breath on his neck. One hand was still in his hair. The other one was reaching around opening his pants. Arthur panicked and tried to break free. He frantically slapped at the hand in front of him. 

Harry smashed his head against the wall one more time. Then he grabbed his hands and with one hand held them behind his back while he finished opening Arthur's pants. 

Arthur was squirming, but had no real strength left. He couldn't see much because of the blood in his eyes and he felt on the brink of passing out. 

"No... no, please. Please... don't," he mumbled. He hated how it sounded like begging, because it absolutely was begging, but he couldn't stop. This couldn't be happening. "Please, please... stop."

"Shut up, pretty boy!" Harry was starting to pull down Arthur's pants. Then suddenly it stopped.

There was no weight pressing against him anymore. There was no hot breath on his neck anymore. No more hands restraining him. Arthur sank down to the ground.

He looked behind him just in time to see Dutch slitting Harry's throat. Then Dutch pushed the lifeless man to the ground and put his knife away.

"You ok, Arthur?" 

Arthur did nothing for a moment. Then he nodded and with shaking fingers tried to fasten his pants again. He didn't manage it.

Dutch looked him for a moment. Then he pulled Arthur to his feet and did it for him.

"Come on, we have to get out of here." 

Dutch grabbed Arthur and led him through several alleys and streets. At last they ended up in front of a hotel. 

"Wait here."

Arthur opened his mouth to protest, but Dutch was already going inside. The next minutes felt like the longest minutes of Arthur's life. Every noise threatened to bring back the panic. 

Finally Dutch came back.

"This way." They walked a few steps to the back of the building. There they walked up some stairs and Dutch openend the door to their room. He led Arthur to the bed.

"Sit." Then he went to get some water and started cleaning Arthur's face. 

"I'm sorry," Arthur mumbled. 

Dutch looked at him.

"You're what?"

"I'm sorry for messing up."

Dutch put away the bloody cloth and pushed a strand of hair behind Arthur's ear.

\---

"I'm sorry for messing up," Arthur said in their hotel room in Valentine.

Dutch had been checking out the cut on Arthur's forehead. He looked at Arthur and sighed.

"Like I said back then, it's not your fault. I should have never put you up to it with that guy. And I should have gotten there sooner in that alley." 

"That's no excuse for what happened today. I almost killed that guy."

"Well, it's not like he was just standing there. He beat you up pretty good." Dutch took a closer look at Arthur's swollen eye.

Arthur shrugged. "I guess." He was a bit surprised that Dutch wasn't angry with him. Dutch had changed over the years. He'd been a lot more patient and kind when Arthur was younger. Some of that had gotten lost over time. Especially after he'd met Micah. But this right now almost felt like the old Dutch. The one who had cared for him after the incident in that alley. The one who had comforted him after the nightmares that had followed. A cold voice kept telling Arthur that Dutch had been the one who set the entire encounter up, but Arthur refused to think about that. Besides, Dutch couldn't have known what would happen.

"Try to see it this way. You managed to beat up a guy almost twice your size. And you didn't need my help to do it. So, there's really nothing for you to worry about. Something like that will never happen to you again."

"You know it's not that simple." Though Arthur appreciated what Dutch was trying to do. True, sometimes he was tired of Dutch's speeches and rhetoric, but this was actually a nice spin to put on the situation.

Dutch sighed. "I know it's not." He gestured towards Arthur's shirt. "Can I take a look now?"

Arthur nodded.

Dutch took Arthur's shirt off and inspected the damage. There were quite a few bruises and one rib seemed to be cracked. He slowly pushed Arthur back and then took off his boots. He started to open Arthur's pants, but stopped. He looked at Arthur and only after Arthur nodded did he continue.

Arthur was nervous. The memory of that horrible night all those years ago was still vivid. And what happened only a few hours ago was as well. But somehow being cared for by Dutch made it better. Just like it had back then.

Dutch was careful not to put pressure on any of Arthur's wounds as he moved to straddle him. He leaned down and kissed him. Arthur closed his eyes and kissed back. He felt Dutch moving, trailing his neck and chest with kisses. Then he felt Dutch taking him in his mouth. 

Arthur was surprised. This was not something Dutch did often and he hadn't done it in a long time. But he didn't wanna question it. He tried to relax and just enjoy the moment. This was right. This was what it was all about. These small moments of perfection in an imperfect life. Arthur had long made peace with the fact that this was all people like him would ever have. There was no happy ever after, no eternal bliss. Just a few fleeting glimpses of perfection. And that had to do.

Once he'd finished he expected Dutch to insist on his turn, but Dutch did no such thing. He just came to rest next to Arthur and pulled the blanket over the both of them. Then he placed a kiss on Arthur's temple and lightly rubbed his chest carefully, mindful of the bruising. After some time Dutch's movements stopped as he drifted off to sleep.

Arthur stayed awake for a while. He wasn't panicking anymore, but the events of the day were still too fresh for him to actually be able to sleep right away. On the one hand he was relieved to realize that he felt better now. But on the other hand he found it deeply unsettling how two simple words had set him off. He hadn't even realized it at the time, for god's sake.

During the early morning hours Arthur finally started to fall asleep. He'd enjoyed spending some time with the old Dutch. He really wished he could believe that he was back for good. But he knew it wouldn't last. Things would go back to the way they were, when Micah came back at the latest. For the first time Arthur allowed himself to realize that he was wary of the prospect of being around the new Dutch again the next day.

\------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's attempted rape/non-con in this chapter, not between Dutch and Arthur.


	6. Colter

What a godamn mess. Arthur was standing outside in the snow smoking a cigarette. He needed to get away from everyone for a second and think. Not an easy thing to do. He was exhausted and too much had happened. He still didn't understand how everything could have gone so wrong.

Just as that thought crossed his mind he saw Micah walking to one of the buildings. Arthur narrowed his eyes. Maybe he understood a little. He sighed. But it wouldn't matter if he said anything. For some reason Dutch seemed to believe that Micah could do no wrong. And that irritated Arthur more than he'd like to admit.

After all those years and all the things they went through together Dutch suddenly seemed to have a new right hand man. And as much as it pained him to admit it, even to himself, that hurt. He didn't much care about being in a position of power. What he cared about was Dutch valuing his opinion. 

Arthur couldn't help but think that it was somehow his own fault. He must have done something to make Dutch doubt him. Why else would he change his attitude so much in such a short time? Had it been a short time though? Part of Arthur was aware that Dutch may have changed even before Micah came along. Just not as drastically. And there hadn't been as drastic consequences as there were now.

Arthur took one last drag and flicked the cigarette into the snow. No use thinking about that now. They had more important things to figure out. How not to starve for one. And where to go next. 

He went inside, meaning to go to the room they had prepaired for him. He stopped though when he saw Dutch and Hosea sitting in front of the fire in the main room. They both turned around.

"There you are." Hosea smiled.

"Come sit with us." Dutch gestured for him to move closer.

Arthur grabbed a chair and put it next to Hosea. He sat down and held his hands in front of the fire.

"You want a drink?" Dutch held out a bottle of whiskey and Arthur took it. They drank and sat in silence for a while. 

"So," Arthur leaned back in chair and handed the almost empty bottle to Hosea. "What's next?"

"Good question." Hosea took the last swig and put the bottle down. Anyone else might have just tossed it aside, but not Hosea, Arthur thought amused. Always neat and careful. It was a comfort to know that Hosea hadn't changed. He was still the same man he'd always been and Arthur still felt safer and more at ease around him than anyone else.

"We'll get some rest and regroup," Dutch said. He sounded tired. "Once the snow starts melting we can keep moving. Hosea says he knows a spot that could work. At least for a while."

Arthur nodded.

"I'll go and try to get some sleep." Hosea got up. "You two should do the same."

"We will. Good night." Dutch's eyes followed Hosea and Arthur couldn't help but think that he looked lost.

"Good night." Hosea closed the door behind him and they were alone.

Arthur got up. He moved Hosea's chair closer to Dutch and sat back down again.

"Didn't you say you'd been up for three days?"

Dutch nodded.

"So, maybe you really should get some sleep as well." Arthur nudged Dutch with his ellbow. That got a tired laugh out of him.

"I really should. But I don't know if I can."

"Something I can do?" Arthur looked at Dutch. He wasn't sure what to do here. Not too long ago he would have just straddled Dutch and taken his mind off things the way he'd done countless times before. But everything was different now. This situation was unprecedented and he felt more unsure about what to do than ever before.

"Maybe," Dutch said. He got up. "Let's find out."

He walked towards Arthur's room. Arthur followed him inside and closed the door behind them. 

Dutch sat down on the cot and looked up at Arthur. He opened his legs slightly. Arthur moved to kneel in front of him. He felt better. This was something he could work with. He palmed Dutch through his pants and smiled when he heard the small gasp that escaped him.

Arthur opened Dutch's pants and took him in his mouth. He started slow, his hands on Dutch's thighs. He felt Dutch's hands in his hair, stroking softly. After a while the grip on his hair got tighter. Then he felt his head being pushed down hard, making him gag. He tried to lift his head, but found he couldn't. His eyes started to water and he pushed down hard on Dutch's thighs, almost panicking.

"Sorry," Dutch muttered. The pressure eased at once. Arthur petted Dutch's thigh reassuringly. This wasn't the first time he'd gotten carried away. Dutch's hands on his head were careful now. A short tug on his hair let Arthur know when Dutch was getting close and he pulled away, watching as Dutch came. He got up and handed Dutch a rag. Dutch cleaned himself up and put himself away.

"Thanks," he said.

"My pleasure," Arthur sat down next to him. "You feel better? Think you can sleep?"

"I do. And I sure hope so." 

Arthur nodded and looked down at his hands. "You, um," he started and ran his hand through his hair. "You wanna stay here? Maybe try to sleep?" 

He didn't dare look up. Ever since Molly they hadn't done anything like that. They'd had sex, but they hadn't been sleeping together. And the sex was only very few and far between. Which Arthur understood. And if he was honest he was feeling guilty about it. But he missed Dutch more than he felt guilty. And the way he figured life was too short. This was especially true for them. 

He was still afraid of Dutch saying no, though. So he kept looking down at his hands. 

"Sure, why not?" Dutch started taking his boots off. "Maybe just for a few hours. It's too cold to go out again anyway."

Arthur was relieved. He honestly didn't know what he would have done had Dutch said no. Probably nothing, but everything would have been a lot harder to take after that, he was sure.

He took off his boots and his coat. He kept everything else on, it was just too damn cold. 

The cot was narrow, but they made it work. Dutch was lying with his back to the wall and Arthur moved to lie next to him with his back towards him. He felt Dutch put his arm over Arthur's waist. The blanket was just big enough for the both of them.

What a mess, Arthur was thinking again. There was so much to do and so much uncertainty. But right here in this moment he could pretend that things were ok. With Dutch's body next his he could pretend that he wasn't as alone as he often felt. Even if it was just for one night.

\------------

It was still dark outside when Arthur woke up. Dutch was moving to get up.

"Sorry, go back to sleep."

"What are you doing?"

"I can't sleep. I need to think." 

Dutch put on his boots and coat. Arthur settled back. He was still so very tired, but he also had this sick feeling in his stomach. Nothing would be ok and he was a goddamn idiot for thinking so. Somehow Dutch leaving was all the proof he needed that things were really and truly hopeless. He closed his eyes and fought very hard not to throw up.

He could hear Dutch moving, getting ready. To his surprise he heard steps getting closer. Then Dutch kissed him briefly. 

"We'll figure it out, Arthur. Trust me. I'll have a plan to get us out of here. Have faith." 

Arthur heard steps moving away. He heard the door opening and closing. Then he was alone.

\-----------


	7. Blackwater

Arthur returned to the camp late at night. He'd been out for four days, following up a lead. He looked around. The camp seemed almost deserted. He narrowed his eyes. Normally there'd be people by the camp fire, even at this hour. He didn't like this. He was tired and it was hot and he just wanted to try and sleep.

As he walked on he saw that there was light in Dutch's tent. He went over there and walked in. There were maps all over the place and Dutch looked exhausted. He looked at Arthur with an angry expression on his face.

"What do you want?"

Arthur held up his hands.

"Whoa, what's going on? Where is everybody?"

Dutch ran a hand through his hair, it seemed as though he was barely containing his anger. 

"Most of them are out doing research on the job that will make us rich and get us out of here once and for all." He took a swig of whiskey. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Following up a lead." Arthur wasn't sure what was happening. This was the first thing he heard about a big job and yet he seemed to be at fault already.

"A lead. How wonderful. How did that turn out?" Dutch's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Not at all." 

"Well, that's just perfect then."

Arthur sighed. 

"Dutch, what's the problem here? I don't know anything about a job. When I left four days ago everything was normal. And now the camp's a ghost town and you seem to have lost your mind."

Dutch looked at him and Arthur took a step back. There was so much hate in Dutch's eyes, it frightened him. 

It only lasted for a second, though. Was over so quickly Arthur could almost believe he'd imagined it.

Dutch took a deep breath and seemed to calm down.

"Micah came up with a great lead. We'll rob a ferry. The take should be good and security is almost non-existent." He even smiled at that. "This is it, Arthur. This is what we've been waiting for.

Arthur's stomach dropped the second he heard Micah's name. He didn't trust the bastard. He'd only been in the gang for a few months and somehow Dutch seemed to see him as the second coming. 

"Micah did, huh." Arthur crossed his arms.

The anger was back in Dutch's eyes.

"Don't you fucking start, Arthur."

"I don't trust the guy."

"Well, I do. And you're free to find your own leads, but it seems they all amount to nothing. So, we're doing this."

"So, you already decided."

"We have to act quickly or we'll miss our chance."

"Sure." Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up, Arthur!"

Arthur felt ice cold all of a sudden. Dutch didn't yell often and it had been a long time since he'd yelled at Arthur. 

"Why don't you make me?" Arthur was surprised by his own words, he hadn't really meant to say that out loud. But now he had and there was no turning back.

Dutch looked at him and narrowed his eyes. 

"Is that what you want?"

"Maybe it's what you want."

The tension in the small tent was unbearable. Arthur felt the heat even more and he didn't know how they ended up here. He didn't have time to think abou that, though, when Dutch was tackling him to the ground.

Arthur grunted as all the air was pushed out of him and his head hurt when he hit the ground. He hadn't expected this. Dutch was on top of him, holding him down. 

Arthur's heart was pounding and he was worried for a moment. Then he saw a slight smile on Dutch's face.

"Enjoying yourself yet?" Dutch moved to straddle Arthur, pressing close. He was holding Arthur's wrists tightly next to Arthur's head.

Arthur grinned.

"Not quite." He yanked his arms over his head, causing Dutch to lose his balance. Arthur used that moment to flip them around. 

"This is more like it."

Dutch grunted and looked up at Arthur. The smile was gone. Arthur frowned when he felt the shift in the atmosphere. He wasn't sure what had happened, but he didn't have time to figure it out. Dutch used the moment of confusion to turn them over and he was once again straddling Arthur. There was nothing playful about it when his hands went for Arthur's neck and started choking him. 

Arthur's eyes widened and he felt actual fear. His instincts took over and he managed to throw Dutch off him. He rolled to his feet, but before he could get up completely Dutch punched him in the side of his head. Arthur stumbled and saw stars for a moment.

"What the hell," he mumbled and tried to get some distance between them. Another punch brought him to his knees. 

Then he felt Dutch grab his shirt and move him over to the cot. He winced when he got thrown on it face down. 

Arthur braced himself for whatever might come next. He had no clue, something like this had never happened before. Sure, they'd been fighting sometimes, but just for fun. A bit of sparring before they got to the good suff. But this felt different, like Dutch was really mad at him.

He felt Dutch straddling him and closed his eyes. But there were no more punches. Instead he felt Dutch kissing his neck. And Dutch's hand roaming along his sides.

"You always know exactly what I need, Arthur." Dutch's breath was hot on his neck.

Arthur almost laughed. If Dutch only knew how little he actually knew about what was going on in Dutch's head lately. Dutch's moods were likely to shift from one extreme to the other and Arthur never knew what would prompt the sudden change. Just like right now during their fight. One second it was playful fun, the next Dutch actually hit him. And not by accident or in the heat of the moment. Real punches with the intend to hurt. Ever since that snake joined their gang. Arthur worked hard to push that thought away.

Dutch continued to touch him, to rub his shoulders, to kiss his neck. He pulled Arthur's shirt out of his pants and got up. 

"Turn around." 

Arthur's heart was racing, but he complied. Once he was on his back Dutch started to take off his shirt. He paused once to inspect the damage his rings had done to Arthur's temple. He didn't comment on it. He yanked down Arthur's pants and roughly pushed to turn him on his stomach again. He grabbed Arthur's hair and pushed his face into the pillow. Arthur panicked and turned his face to the side.

"Don't hurt me." Arthur almost bit his tongue. He hadn't meant to say that out loud. He hated how it sounded. Like he was weak, like he wasn't one of the most ruthless killers in the west. But more importantly it sounded like he doubted Dutch. And that was the worst thing he could think of doing.

He felt Dutch's movements stop and held his breath. He didn't know what Dutch would do. This was becoming a recurring theme, he thought bitterly. And in a way it validated his request. And that made it even worse.

He flinched when he felt Dutch's hand let go of his hair and settled on the back of his neck, expecting it to hurt him, maybe even choke him again. Instead Dutch started to carefully pet him, like he would a spooked horse. 

"I won't." Hearing Dutch say that while a drop of blood ran down Arthur's temple was surreal. 

Dutch resumed touching Arthur, being gentle, just like he'd been most of the times before. Back when it all had started. Just like Arthur had grown used to. He took his time preparing Arthur and when Arthur heard Dutch opening his pants and felt him getting closer it was almost as if the last half hour hadn't happened. As if everything was the way it was supposed to be.

Arthur felt Dutch's slicked up cock slowly pushing in. It still hurt, but not as bad as he'd anticipated. Once he'd had a bit of time to adjust it felt better. It felt good. It felt familar. Like things were back to normal. He felt himself getting hard, felt his breath coming faster. 

"That's it," Dutch muttered as he slowly increased his speed, his hands caressing Arthur's back gently. It didn't take long and Dutch came with a low grunt. He reached under Arthur and finished him off. They stayed on the cot for a moment, panting.

It was still dark outside. They were dressed again. Arthur was sitting on the cot, Dutch on a chair. They shared some whiskey. Things seemed to be back to normal. As if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place. And Arthur was asking himself if maybe he'd just overreacted. There'd been no real reason to be afraid of Dutch. It had just been the heat of the moment after all.

"So," Arthur lit up a cigarette. "We're gonna rob a ferry."

Dutch nodded, taking another drink.

"That we will. The others should be back around noon. We'll go over the plan then." 

Arthur took a drag of his cigarette and grunted.

Dutch looked at him, he seemed amused. 

"Have a little faith, Arthur."

Arthur shrugged.

"Sure."

It was late. Or early. Anyway, he was tired. He wasn't looking forward to that job that would end all jobs. As if a thing like that even existed, Arthur thought. But he wasn't gonna argue with Dutch. It wasn't worth it. Once upon a time Dutch would have listened. He wouldn't have necessarily done what Arthur suggested, but he would at least have listened. That had changed. And there was no going back.

"Well," Arthur finished his cigarette and got up. "I'm gonna get some sleep before they come back then."

"You do that."

Arthur started walking.

"Arthur!"

He stopped and turned around. Dutch walked towards him. He reached up and cupped Arthur's face in his hands.

"This is it, son. This is the most important thing we've ever done. It has to work." He looked at Arthur imploringly.

"I need you to give me all you have."

Arthur was taken aback. He looked at Dutch. He saw the need. He saw the earnestness. He saw something close to despair. He nodded. 

"I will, Dutch. I promise."

\-----------


End file.
